Dear Sidney
by samanddianefan10
Summary: As Hawkeye arrives home, he writes a letter to the man who gave him back his life. A tribute to the beloved Allan Arbus.


**A/N: Thanks to Kristen for giving me the idea for this fic. It was hard to write, but as Allan Arbus played a pivotal role in my getting into Mash, I wanted to make sure that his legacy lives on, or at least do my part.**

_Dear Sidney,_

_As you well know, I have arrived safely at home in Crabapple Cove, a place so mythical I'm sure even you had your doubts it existed. But alas, it does, and I have to tell you, Sid, there truly is no place like home. My dad refused to let me out of his sight for the first few days. I know he was worried about me, especially towards the end of the "police action", but it would be nice to take a shower without my dad pounding on the door making sure I'm all right! _

_Don't get me wrong, I love my dad more than anything in the world. He's my best friend and the funniest person I have ever met. I've been told my sense of humor is top notch, but trust me when I say it's nothing compared to the humor my dad possesses. I guess in his (rather our) line of work a sense of humor is key to getting by. And as it has worked for him, he's the most successful physician in town, I dare say I hope that it will do the same for me- whenever I get back to work._

_My dad says to take my time, not to rush back into anything. I swear I slept in my bed for the first 48 hours after arriving home. Did you read that correctly? It is a bed, a real bed, not some God forsaken cot. Looking back, I can see that things could have been much, much worse. Not that Korea was a picnic, mind you, but I feel quite certain that I have made some friendships which will last a lifetime._

_Speaking of friends, I sincerely hope you realize I view you more than just a colleague- I see you as a friend. For what you did for me during the Incident, I can never repay you. I was broken, somehow even the mighty fall apparently, and you were a lifeline to the rest of my life in Korea. You never once criticized me or judged me for my behavior. Instead you pushed, prodded, and tugged at my soul, which I now see it as your way of saving it. I can't say I believe in any higher powers, but I believe in some things. Some people are good, some are bad, some are human, and some are downright evil to the core. I want you to know, Sidney, that I see you as one of the good guys. You did your time, you helped every single one of us in the 4077 in one way or the other, and most of all, you were my friend. You gave me my life back, and for that, my humble words are not enough to express the gratitude I have for your friendship. You were more than my psychiatrist, you were more than a troop, you were my friend. Even though I professed to hating you for keeping me in that bin, know that I was more scared than anything._

_I was scared, all right. I was scared of staying in Korea indefinitely. I was scared of never seeing my father or friends again. Most of all, I was scared of who I became. I did not recognize myself anymore, and that's not a very fun thought. But through it all, you held my hand and guided me back into the person I am today, for whatever that's worth._

_I miss my Korea friends very much. That Colonel Potter, he sure is a top notch guy. A sweller guy I've never met. Regulation, yes, but he was honest, humble, and sincere, qualities you don't often come across in one's lifetime. Klinger…ah yes, Klinger. What can I say about a guy who had a better wardrobe than Hot Lips? He made me laugh, sometimes without meaning to. I guess I talk about laughter a lot…._

_Then there was Father Mulcahy. I don't know what I believe in, but I'm sure of one thing…there is a special place set aside somewhere in the great beyond for that man of peace. He wasn't perfect, he was flawed, he made mistakes, but always, always, he was true to whom he was, and for that, he's earned a lifetime of my respect._

_What about Hot Lips you ask? What can I say? We've shared much more than anyone realizes, and there will always be a place in my heart for her. Someday, if I ever marry, I can say with all of my heart that I hope I meet a girl just like her._

_Charles, Charles, Charles…what can I say about Charles Winchester The Third? Pompous, arrogant, too smart for his own good…but deep down I believe that he too is as human as you or I are. There were moments of humanity in him, which took most people all of five minutes to recognize. I'll never forget the conversation I had with him when my father took ill. He told me, where you have a dad, I have a father, or something to that effect. I'd never seen that side to him and I must say it took me a minute to comprehend that that pompous man who had everything might not have been as blessed in some areas as I am. That Charles sure is something, isn't he?_

_I would be remiss if I didn't acknowledge Radar in some form. Kind, soft hearted, naïve, he knew more than most people give him credit for. In fact, as soon as I finish writing this, I might just place an overdue call to Iowa._

_Henry….Sidney I never did thank you for coming to camp to help us all deal with his death. Yet again, you were a friend to the friendless, hope for the hopeless, and a light upon which we all could cast our tears. You gave us our strengths again, and for that, once again, I thank you._

_Trapper, Trapper, Trapper. What can I say? I wish things could have ended differently, but as things are what they are, I have come to terms with the fact that I may never speak to my former best friend again. You were instrumental without your knowledge in my making peace with that. You see, Sidney, you taught me about friendship, how they grow or how they can change, and you've taught me a lot about acceptance. A wise one, you are._

_How could this letter be complete if I didn't mention BJ at least once? What can I say about the man I love as a brother, the man whose family means possibly even more to him than my own does to me, and that's saying quite a bit. He is human, he's struggled and fell, but he's always come back to who he really was. I honestly don't think I could have survived Korea without him. In some ways, he's my soul mate. No, I'm not that way, but I think of him as truly have being my better half. I guess now I can see why Trapper made left…room had to be made for those enormous feet of BJ's!_

_I guess I've strayed quite a bit, but my point is, you've given me more than you can ever realize. I'm sure in your line of business you don't get progress reports on your patients, but in this case, I felt I owed you one. I owe you so much, I don't have enough paper or time or energy to express my sincere gratitude for your just being you. _

_So long, Sidney. Till we meet again._

_Hawkeye_


End file.
